zazababe's Blog

I have a family whom love me so much. But when I dropped out from a good university because of mental depressions, they started to turn their back on me.

Even my own mother ignores my presence in this house. Ironically, they never asked me why I dropped out from the university in the first place. They never ask me what's wrong, what's the problems, what's going on in your life? They just silently let me float around this house like I'm a ghost they can't see.

I tried to talk to them about my problems, but they prefer to folds their arms and just let me be. Sometime I felt confused because I'd always had my back supported by my family. It makes my depression became worse than before and I started to slit my wrist every time I felt the urge to suicide.

But today I woke up and see outside the window; the sun shine so brightly I'm almost blinded by it. I shed a tear of grateful that I'm still alive and can feel the warmth of the sun. Now I thought to myself; "why bother mourning about people who doesn't need you, when you have to do your best for what YOU NEED in your life." I smiled and jump out of my bed to face the future.

My future are still unknown, but its MY decision on who I want to be, not anyone's decisions to treat me like a ghost or ignore me like a trash. My family will forever be my family. It doesn't matter if they don't want me anymore, what matter most is what I want in my own life right now. I'll take baby steps if it's difficult and I'll run like crazy if its there in front of my eyes.

Rejoice myself, and rejoice my friends, you can make yourself even more precious than the sun if you want to. Just believe in yourself, cast away those unwanted or those not wanting you, step forward and make your own life beautiful!

I'm living with my family since I'm the youngest and the only girl in my siblings. I'm 18 years old and I just don't understand my father since he had a bypass on his heart in 2003. He became lazy, he gave tons of excuses not to work, he just stays at home sponging off my mother who had forced to work to support our family. He just watch football and golf on TV and that's fucking boring! Not to mention he's always taking naps like a lazy cat.

I have 3 elder brothers, the eldest are married with 2 kids, he's a good brother, the second eldest are studying abroad to become a doctor and the third are working but staying with us here. I don't have issues with my 1st and 3rd brother but the 2nd one are like a bastard! He asked lots of money from my mama but end up spending it at his stupid girlfriend there. My mama had suffered constant UTI( urinary tract infection) infections because she's always stressing with work and my lazy father. I often cried when my mama cry in pain whenever she went to toilet to piss. I'm always there to tell here I'm never leaving her.

But sadly, I caught UTI too since 4 days ago. Now I understand the experiences my mama had to face every time she had to piss, the pain was undescribable and I couldn't stand straight for an hour after I pissed. The pain is so intense that this morning I had to lay down on bed for more than 4 hours because it's too painful to even sit up. But what did my father do? He just simply looked at me like I'm enjoying the pain, he never offered me any medication or asked me to go to the hospital. My mama was busy with her work so I thought I could rely on my father to help me. But he did nothing and he never ask me is it painful or whatever. He even refuse to go find some antibiotic from the nearest pharmacy when I asked him just a minute ago!

Now I'm hurting and I'm suffering from abdominal pain with nausea and everything felt chilly. I don't have understanding friends to talk about this and I often cry silently at night. I'm just praying for God to give me strength to go through this. I hope my father died a terrible death soon because that's what he deserve! I'll never attend to his funeral and he can go to hell!